Happy Leap Day everyone! I don’t remember past leap days, but this one feels significant. Or maybe it feels significant because unlike its predecessors, I am very aware of todays’ date. Anyway, last week, I spoke about fear and self-policing one’s imagination. This week, I’d like to talk about bravery.
Yesterday, I finally got started on that dreaded U.S. visa. From the moment I opened the form, until its last entry, I was a shaking mass of nerves. When I was not berating myself for leaving the application till late, I was wailing,“It huuuurrrtttsss!!” at my laptop.
By 12pm, I completed the first round of answers. There were some questions in there that needed further research, but I had done my best to fill in what I could using printouts of my last application. Thirty minutes later, I learned I could have uploaded an old form and just edited that. *face palm*
I took a break to take out the trash.
During the long walk from the kitchen to the garbage bins, I gave myself a proper chew-out for my life choices.
“You need to grow up!” I said to myself. “You are where you are now because at every opportunity, you run away from the hard things. You bury your head in the sand until your responsibilities pass you by, or force you to acknowledge them. And even then, your acknowledgement is lazy, shoddy, rushed and—”
The bottom of the garbage bag split open.
It felt metaphorical.
Here, on the sunburnt gravel lay the odorous dredges of her wasted youth. She could have been a publisher, an editor, a really well-paid intern at Penguin House but she was too afraid of the paperwork.
I tied off the base of the burst black bag and continued the journey to the bins.
It was on the return that Kindness cleared her throat and chimed in with her two cents.
Like most people, I am most proud of myself when I have everything working perfectly. I wake up on the right side of the bed with the energy to do what I’m supposed to do and I do it. Those moments are like the streams of a cool summer’s night breeze - effortless. They leave me feeling positively chuffed.
But bravery isn’t doing things when your spirit finds them easy to do. Bravery is ‘the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty.’
I find Paperwork terrifying. My stomach ties up in knots and my brain files through the rolodex of my life’s regrets whenever I am asked to jot down my name, occupation, and current bank balance.
And yet, despite my fear, I had completed a first round of that DS160 form. As I walked back towards the cool shade of the house, I apologised to my spirit for beating her down when she was trying so very hard to stand up.
This Leap Day, I hope you remember to do the same. When faced with the unique things that make your knees buckle, don’t denigrate your fear. Instead, acknowledge your bravery.
And that’s where I’m at this Thursday. Until next week, I’m wishing you all the very best of company. ♥️
Progress Bar . (1) completed visa application & (55,409) words🦧